20. because i want to.

Not being grateful.
That's one of my problems.
One of my biggest problems.
Second to insanely short temper.

Somehow, blogging about my short temper-ness
doesn't sound all that appropriate.
I might start throwing virtual furniture around.
But yeah.
I'm such a spoiled brat.
Well, at least it got better.....A LITTLE.
Look at me now.
I have the luxury to be able to have a father when I'm studying overseas.
Mainly because they don't trust me to do things myself,
but that's beside the point.
Mom comes for visits......VERY OFTEN.
All that hard earned cash just going down Air Asia's bank.
And all that potential cash and salary Dad could've gotten, wasted.

And what am I doing ?
BLOGGING ABOUT IT.
I know Dad isn't the best Dad in the world.
Wait, no, that didn't come out right.
I know Dad and I don't exactly get along very well.
But he gave up so much for me.
And I'm here.
BLOGGING ABOUT IT.
and still getting into fights with him.
Well, not fights.
More like, not seeing eye to eye.
And I practice my "superiority" by using English.
Not intentionally of course,
but I can't express myself fully in Chinese anymore.

And in Mom's earlier visits,
we'd get into fight ALL.THE.TIME.
Usually about my attitude etc.
I feel like a child, really.
Because in her eyes,
I probably am.

Yep, definitely feeling that "failure of a son" vibe coming.
They're probably right.
I need an attitude change.
I'm not, in any way, proud of my attitude and
how I treat my parents.
I think they really deserve more.

When I was still in Primary School,
Mom would get mad at me sometimes if I didn't finish my homework.
And she'd tell if she took the wrong baby home.
As I got older,
I do start to wonder.
Self-realization hurts less when you're already expecting it.
My parents deserve a much better son.
What did they do to deserve me ?
Oh yeah, get married.

I'm trying to be a good son.
But my mistakes just seem to keep crawling back.
I'm never gonna gain their trust.
Not anytime soon anyway.
I'm gonna be a burden to them.
And what if I can't give them the happy retirement they wanted ?
What then ?
They've proved their point.
I can't handle myself.
I can't be independent.
And they would never be in peace.
I won't ever be in peace.
Is that how this 'dysfunctional' family will end ?
Oh yeah,
and my brother becomes the CEO of major mining company.
Well,
at least they still have little brother.
He seems to have more potential in him.

Am i really that pessimistic ?
Probably not.
There's too many optimistic songs out there to keep me down.
But what I shared does have some truth in it.
Change.


Listening to Gold - Owl City

Back to studying, looking optimistic ?

TK