welcome to something else

eDit: wow. i didn't realize i was THAT drunk...

I'll be frank.

I'm a little sleepy.

And when I'm sleepy,

I get sort of tipsy.

So I do wish to apologise in advance

if I end up writing anything inappropriate,
especially things that make you cringe.

STPM.

Its such a nightmare.

Its one of those things that you keep telling yourself

'Wow that's hard. 

But its alright. Because I'll never take that'.

It gets worse 

when you actually end up taking it.

I remember something from my Form 1 days,

when I was still a naive short (slightly chubby) little boy.

My interact club president.

She was different.

Very different.

I'm not talking about personality-wise.

But appearance-wise.

She wasn't NORMAL.

She wasn't wearing a blue and white uniform.

She was wearing some weird yellowish skin-coloured uniform.

WHAT ON EARTH IS SHE WEARING ?

I never mustered the courage to ask her.

But eventually, 

I found out she was in Form 6.

"So we change uniforms in Form 6 ?"

I used to think Form 6 was compulsory in high school.

Isn't that why we did 6 years of schooling in Primary School ?

Silly me.

Fast forward a few years.

Seeing Form 6 students were quite a normal thing for me.

Back then,

their numbers never small.

Small enough to be given an air-conditioned classroom.

Said classroom is being used as a store for textbooks.

Such a waste !

Back to the story.

We had a librarian meeting in there once.

"Lucky b*sta**s"

I thought to myself, 

paying no attention to my senior (a Form 6 student) giving the briefing.

First. their very own uniform.

Then, an air-conditioned classroom.

What did they do to deserve this ?

Are they like... super smart ?

That must be it.

Form 6 must be super difficult.

"Lol. I'm not even going to Form 6. Whatever"

My mind was made up.

I never gave it much thought ever again.

Fast forward (even more).

SPM was over.

PLKN was over.

Results came out.

I can't say I was too disappointed with my results.

I mean, 

I didn't really expect much from myself.

You reap what you sow, right ?

Although I was having a "Y U NO..." moment

when I was so close to getting an A for Physics.

I had my results.

But somehow,

the thought of tertiary studies still hasn't hit me.

I wonder why ?

Australia was like a myth to me.

Mom could just be joking.

Or perhaps it was just a dream to me?

(Its not the first time my parents lied to me)

(No. I'm not adopted.)

(.....or am I ?)

But one thing was clear.

I was doing everything I can to stall this potential threat.

First, I attended PLKN.

Those 3 short months managed to delay their 'plan' for an entire year.

Although I guess my brain has already given into their plan.

I was just so afraid so immigration security

coming to greet me at KK airport

just because I missed out on PLKN.

Also, MAN UP !

Back to the story.

I was free back then.

After I returned from camp,

Mom told me I am DEFINITELY going to Australia.

Unconsciously accepting brain began to surrender.

"But you're going to Form 6 first."

That's what she said after fetching me from camp.

It was so sudden.

I thought it was a joke.

Or maybe something I could dissuade her about.

But No.

That was the price.

The price I had to stay for another year.

"I just can't afford to let you sit in front a computer screen for 6 more months."

"....might as well let you do something productive."

So she was just trying to keep my brain alive ?

She wasn't expecting anything from me attending Form 6, right ?

After all, Form 6 is for smart people, right ?

And I'm not smart, right ?

I could live with that.

Side story time !

It was the first day of Form 6.

I was walking around full of insecurity.

Well, at least I was in familiar grounds.

I heard from Mom.

"Your cousin is going to study Form 6 with you."

I didn't know if I should happy or afraid.

I remember those 22-ish nights that we used to have.

But that was way back then.

It stopped somewhere around Primary School.

There was a chance he'd attend high school with me.

And I was happy to hear about it.

Finally we could reconcile ?

Was reconcile the right word ?

Well, it doesn't matter.

He never came.

And time passed,

we grew EVEN FURTHER apart.

We don't even talk anymore.

Not even when we're right in front of each other.

Was I supposed to be afraid ?

I really did wonder what he thought about me.

I was turning around and looking quite frantically.

But somehow, I didn't manage to spot him.

Something else caught my eye though.

And I was a little wonderstruck. 

(yes, a Taylor Swift reference is necessary.)

The tension of being in the same class with him was unbearable.

Sometimes I'd find myself not talking to anyone outside the classroom.

And he isn't speaking to Mr Penguin as well.

Story of Us, anyone ?

And when I found out we were in the same MUET group ?

The urge to shoot myself (or the teacher)

just went off the roof.

Well, things got better, I suppose.

But let me just end this short story by reiterating a phrase :

"And he's got everything that I have to live without."

Back to the main story.

But before that,

I must say.

I'm really sleepy/tipsy right now.

Forgive me, le stalkerz.

I went to Form 6,

as planned by Mom.

I attended classes.

Sat for the exams.

But I wasn't doing all these seriously.

At the back of my mind,

I knew this was all just like a 'game'.

My semester 1 results wouldn't matter anyway.

I'm going to Australia.

My resolve was pathetic,

in more mays than one I must say.

And now here I am.

In Australia.

With above average grades.

Because now, I actually study.

I actually pay attention do all my homework.

(Oh yeah, and the syllabus is kinda a joke.)

(No offence.)

(Its still relatively challenging.)

Somewhere in the middle,

my STPM results actually came back.

Mom was 'pleased',

she said she was expecting much,

seeing as how I was 'studying' in Form 6.

I got 3Cs and 1 Fail (which is Maths, of course).

I won't lie.

I was ecstatic.

THREE passes.

I passed my Physics, I passed my Chemistry.

I failed Maths, 

but who DIDN'T see that coming ?

For the effort that I put in,

the results were way better than what I'd deserve.

I'm not boasting.

I'm simply saying it should've been worse.

I was treating it as a simple game.

And I still passed (most of it).

And that's when it hit me.

A game.

For me, it was nothing more than a simply filler arc in my life.

What I had failed to realise was what this exam meant for others.

This exam was crucial to them.

Its practically the boss they have to beat to advance to the next level.

Almost everyone did better than me,

but they were still not satisfied with themselves.

Insecure about their place in a uni.

And here I was, jumping like crazy 

after looking at my results via my brother's phone.

Here I am now, studying in such a prestigious school.

I started feeling guilty.

Like I somehow did not deserve this chance.

Oh wait, that IS the truth.

I did not deserve this chance.

You could tell me to stop worrying.

But the guilt is still slowly eating away at me.

Somehow, this ignited a sense of competitiveness in me.

I didn't want to fall behind 'them'.

I want to graduate too.

I want to get into uni too.

I DON'T want to be the only one who's sitting at a reunion table 

without a degree or a future.

My trip back home was full of surprises and delight.

One of the surprises was the release of the 2nd semester STPM results.

I wish, I hoped, I prayed for everyone's results.

Unfortunately, from what I've heard,

tears were still in abundance.

It was once again a wake-up call

as to just how harsh this exam (and reality, in general) really is.

And that sense of "I DON'T DESERVE THIS" began re-emerging.

On a totally unrelated note,

attending Mr Handsome's Physics lecture was really nostalgic 

and I was really happy I was able to stay awake for 2 hours

and learn something (which has been removed from my syllabus).

The beginning of the end of Form 6 is fast approaching.

Well,

mine ended quite a while ago,

but you know what I mean.

One more exam (and a bunch of retakes) is all that's left.

I wish you the best of luck.

For those who feel like giving up,

please don't.

You're my motivation.

You're my inspiration.

You're what keeps me going.

And you're the one that taught me this valuable lesson.

Form 6 was life-changing for me.

Thanks to you (guys).

Listening to Au Revoir - OneRepublic

Sleepy and Tipsy,

TK