Today is like what ? Day 5 of Form 6 ? Felt like an eternity already... I'm not whining that I hate this orientation (I just think it's unnecessary) but I don't want class to ever start. I mean the subject briefings scared the **** out of me. I'm just really pessi right now. Frankly, I'm the dumbest guy in science class right now. Wouldn't it make sense that the requirements to go for science stream is higher for students from other school ? So they're all smarter than me already. And then I factored out the science students from my school that's smarter than me and the only person left besides me is.....ME ! I don't want what I'm trying to prove here (by going to Science Stream), I'm just listening to what my mom thinks is "best for me". Oh well, even if she let me choose, I'll still be confused about which stream to enter. My mom kinda built an involuntary "Kemanusiaan=No Good" system in me since Form 3. NO I DON"T WANNA THINK THAT WAY ! even smart students go kemanusiaan ! People like Edward go, so I don't really see what's so bad. It's up to you and what career you want to take up. Form 6 ISN'T HIGH SCHOOL, it's PRE-U. You're supposed to start thinking about what subjects would be benificial for your uni life. But now my mind is full of "If you take science now, you can choose from a wider variety of courses in the future"....Thanks mom...
I really don't know what I'm doing with my life now. Yes, I don't have CITA-CITA, I'm that pathetic. I don't even know what I want to study in uni. Are the futures I dream of impossible to achieve ? *FYI, in case you haven't noticed yet...Yes this a special EMO TK session* I guess I was pretty blind all this time. Mom said science is better so I took science. Maybe....JUST MAYBE, if I took something that I was interested in, maybe I wouldn't be struggling like this. I really didn't realize anything was wrong until recently when I saw all the geniuses in the Science Class. I started to question myself "Do I belong here ?" "Am I just being stubborn" "Is this going to lead to my own downfall ?"
When Abby was freaking out about whether to take Bio or Phy. I could only sit there and stair at her mental breakdown while not caring much about my paper... I'm going to Aussie next year (for those who didn't know) and I'm pretty sure my parents won't take NO for an answer since they worked so hard for this opportunity. That means I'm only staying in Form 6 for this year, sitting for 1 semester's exam then leaving. It kinda makes me wanna fly through this sem without even caring (I'm on transit anywayssss !). But then again I want to PROVE that I can actually DO SOMETHING and not give up that easily. It's hard knowing that my efforts will all be for naught (y'know since Australian syllabus is different). I myself am NOT sure what I'm even typing right now. It's just all a BIG BLUR !
This is extremely sad and depressing for me. After all, I didn't start with a lot of friends, never have, never did but never will ??? That I'm not sure. I came to high school with almost 0 friends with me. I've been through some eff-ed up stuff but in the end, that day at the convo. I feel proud of myself (no, not the high and mighty stuff), I actually managed to do something in my pathetic 5 years life in high school ! I got to meet all sorts of people. People from Dinamik, Kreatif, Amanah, PSS, Greenies <3, Wushu, Interact Clubz and other students which I met on pure coincidence. I consider myself pretty lucky, maybe even the most lucky student in the school. I've met so many people and I more or less managed to juggle my academics all together (4As isn't THAT bad. It's average 'cuz it was trending on Twitter =P). Same thing in camp. I came with 0 friends then SOMEHOW (maybe loneliness and isolation forced me) I've manage to make friends (around 30% camp knows me) but then it was time to part again. And now I was facing Form 6 with NEW CHALLANGES (AND NEW CHALLANGERS !) and 90% all my friends aren't there with me anymore. Can i really make new friends ? I only have 1 and 1/2 year to do that. And I don't know that much juniors now...
Yes isolation does kill. Just because you don't see me smile often doesn't mean I'm acting cool (someone just said that to me today), but there's not really much reason for me to smile....
Maybe...
Maybe it's because...
Sadly, I'm starting to believe that. I know I have friends that I can count on. It's just that...the only one that can help myself is ME >:) Hey, you know what ? I think that might be the answer ! Endless hours of writing this randomly emotional blog post made me REALIZE that I can do anything if I set my mind to it. You don't have to be the best, not everyone can be the best. But you can be the BEST THAT YOU CAN BE ! Even if I cant stand up to the best in that class, I can still do my best right ? No point in putting this 1/2 a year to waste ! I mean, SOMEONE has to be last place =P Heck the whole class could get a 4 flat and i got a 3.9 (ok, overly OPTIMISTIC ~) but that's still awesome....
Ahhhh the wonders of blogging ~~ (Yes I was talking to myself just now so the post DOESN'T MAKE SENSE). Is this what girls call MOOD SWING ? Fascinating....
Something additional, I had to show my hatred and appreciations...
Did most of you know I have a DEEP-SEEDED hatred towards Form 6 students ? Because SOME of them act KINDA sombong... Yes, I don't really like this year's Upper 6. THere was a group of Science class Form 6 that entered the library's Powerpoint Competition. There powerpoint was pretty but somehow they kept laughing at other groups...Well, I still managed to in-your-faced them by winning first place (first to second place were the biggest gap in marks too !!) And lots of other incidents made me think ill of them. Of course, I've come to (because I never hated) enjoy the company of 2011's upper six students (yes, they graduated with me !). I knew some of them when I was in Form 3 (through BLOGS of course, most effective way to stalk) so I've kinda made peace with them by the time they enter Form 6. The very ngong photo up there was the one we took for 2011's PSS AJK Tertinggi. (not showing off, well maybe a bit. Just reminiscing). Chang Sin Fung was the Pengerusi, he's hot-headed, could'nt-be-bothered type, but I guess he covered for me 'cuz my speaking skills were CACAT and he treated me nice (almost =P). Next to me is Vivian, who's really hardworking and industrious Setiausaha who dreams of becoming a dentist. Next to Sin Fung is Sim Ying, our bendahari who is extremely EXTREMELY easy go get along with, she's also very helpful and she sent me home a few times before. Top row from the left is Ketty, who is like a best friend, IF you like endless hours of chatting and gossiping, Jia Chyi, the youngest member in our board as Pen. Setiausaha, Yang Yang, Mr Top 4 Science Stream Student in Sabah WHO still plays a children card GAME =D Our interest collide, Yung Yung, Mr Best Smile and white Skin XDD, Ah Lai, super desciplined and ready to give a helping hand, and lastly Ruth, Ms Talks to Fast in Chinese. I want them to be my senpai forever !!! Arigatou Minna, you made me (sorta...not really) love My temporary H3LL Form 6 =D
Ranting and Resolved,
TK
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